Photo by Jackson Simmer

Decs is not happy held or not held
He’s so tired
Put him in the crib
He wails
I just need a minute
Emerson comes in and sits on me
Clicking and making noises
Petting my arm and asking for things
I pull out my phone and

Planning dinner
What do we have that everyone will eat, that is wholesome, that has veggies or fruit or variety
I need to buy ingredients for part of anything I want to make
How much can I spend
Don’t overspend! What’s the budget
The budget was done enough to feel bad about how we spend our money
But not done enough to have a plan of action
What do I get at the store
Better plan dinner all week if you’re gonna go to the store
Nothing sounds good
It’s too expensive
I wish we could just eat out tonight
That’s too expensive and frivolous
I’m unhealthy and gaining weight anyway
I should be able to do this

Decs won’t stop crying
Em won’t stop touching me and making noise
Declan in pain and so hot and tired
Should I give him more Tylenol
It’s not time yet
Is that too much anyway
Why can’t I soothe him
I’m the mom, that’s my job
Yes Emerson you can watch a movie
In decs room rocking him
Both of us crying and me saying I know over and over to him as my mind races and tells me I’m not enough
I finally get him calm and about to sleep and em opens the door saying she needs help
Ferris runs in
Declan wakes up and whines and cries
I’m mad at the situation but the anger comes out at Emerson
She feels bad
I feel bad
I walk over and help her
Come back
Start the cycle over
I get decs to sleep but only on me

My masters capstone project sits untouched
The house is dirty and cluttered and nothing is put away
The dishwasher is running
The washing machine and dryer are running
We’ve been on a walk
We’ve been to the library
I’ve fed them lunch
School is barely out
How do I do this all summer
How is it three hours until dad gets home

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